Oh man.  Did I eat it tonight.  I’ve been in New York since Sunday, and it’s been great through today.  I’ve basically been booked for a new show without much effort each day I’ve been here.  Sunday I did Ditch Comedy with Yannis Pappas, which he said was a terrible night but was still fun.  Monday I did four mics and watched Whiplash at UCB.  Tuesday I did a mic and a show.

Today, I did two mics and a show that all went well.   But I also had an “audition” for the Creek and the Cave, where I believe they’re still scrubbing my baby diarrhea off the walls.  I felt like I was 2 months into comedy and the audience had ripped off my genitals, and then tossed them around like a beach ball just out of reach while I chased after my manhood, holding back the tears and squealing, “Guys!?!”  Maybe it wasn’t that bad.  In retrospect, my jokes did alright, just my pure embarrassment while onstage was annoying.

All I know, is I looked into the audience, and it was just 25 comics I respected.  It was exactly where I pictured myself being (ideally with more than zero non-comics), but I didn’t think it would happen this soon.  There were so many people at this “show” that I semi-delusionally thought I could impress into being my friends.  Like, this was a show of Comedy Central and future Comedy Central people, and I was somehow allowed on it.  I felt really guilty that I was there.  I felt guilty that some of the people I’d started to meet at the open mics and had been around longer weren’t there.  I felt guilty that all these funny people had to hear me speak while I got to listen to them.  Again, in retrospect, that’s a dumb thing to feel.  I have funny things to say, even if they aren’t as developed as some of the other comics, but it’s how I felt in the moment.  Sometimes I over-think things.

I’m learning I need to get better at pushing through a set when things aren’t going great, as opposed to freaking out and doing more than whatever my “act” is.  At the same time, how do you get better if you don’t flail around for something to grasp?  Who knows?

The only place I could get to feel this insecure around such great people is in New York or LA.  Its really motivating in an odd way.  Because as much as I was approaching a level of shame where I might actually start crying (it took about 5 minutes), this will motivate me for months to really focus and get better.  I’m only 3 1/2 years in.  I know I need to keep improving.  But sometimes you get lost in routine and don’t have a goal or an endgame in mind, and you sort of mindlessly sift through mediocre material and not really edit it enough or make it better.  I need to perform more, and write more.  I’m finally gonna bite the bullet and start filming my all my sets, even though I hate watching myself.  I’m not gonna let this happen again.

…I was done with this post, but I’m in a McDonald’s, sitting in a booth with a crazy homeless man for unknown reasons.  He said there weren’t other seats when there are clearly are.  He said he wouldn’t bother me, although he’s definitely singing not-the-words to whatever emo song Micky D’s has decided this demographic of New Yorkers enjoy.  There’s also a couple nearby that just uttered the phrase “Homo the Musical.”  They aren’t being ironic.  It’s a production one of them is apparently in.  The homeless man just took unidentifiable pills in front of me.  I’m leaving now…