Here’s a new comedy first for me:  This past Tuesday, the bar double-booked the comedy show I was on, with speed-dating.  Both were supposed to happen at the exact same time in the exact same small room.

Some comics suggested not doing the comedy show.  Some suggested doing it after the speed dating was done.  But the our host had another idea: synergy.  He had a vision of combining the comedy and speed-dating into a furious hybrid-beast that couldn’t be stopped, and he somehow convinced ye olde whistle girls to do it.  The basic plan was a comic does 5 minutes, then you do a speed date for 5 minutes, and keep repeating until people realize it’s a really stupid idea.  An optimistic one, but stupid.  Because there’s nothing quite like being bored to death by your speed date, and then immediately have another stranger try to win you over with their half-decent comedy, in this never-ending onslaught of people you don’t care about that are trying toting win your affection.

Plus, both the comedy and dating hosts somehow thought 2 hour event + 2 hour event = 2 hour event.  That said, the speed-daters let comedians join the event if they wanted and I jumped aboard.

Before the show was fun, because a few comics and I were coming up with really dumb things to say to the speed-daters.  “Anyone here on a date?”  “Oh, how long have you two been together?” “Ever been on a date and you run into a recent date, on a date, sitting next to you?”

The speed-dating officials were two very attractive girls with whistles.  Whistles they were planning to blow every 5 minutes through-out the comedy show, signaling when those “sexy” singles should move on to the next date. 

Speed-dating is a lot like comedy.  You do 5 minutes of your best stuff in an attempt to win them over and hopefully get laid.  With each speed-date, I witnessed my 5 minutes improve.  By the end I was adding in act-outs, doing characters, getting standing ovations.  I auditioned for a talent scout for Mystery, the acclaimed VH1 pick-up artist. 

Maybe the last part didn’t happen.  The truth is, when I did it, there was me talking, and then the voice in my head going, “Dear GOD I’m boring!  Yeah, ask them what they do for work again, you moron.  I’m sure they’ve never been asked that one!”  Around the 4th girl, I thought, “Oh thank Jesus, she has tattoos!  I’ll ask her about that!”  She goes, “Hah.  I didn’t realize tattoos were still a big deal.  Everyone’s been asking about them.”  F*ck me!  How am I this unoriginal?  Because I’m silently screaming at myself rather than being attentive to the conversation?  No!  How dare you!?  Why would you even bring that up!?  Which one of me is upset with me now!?  This is confusing.

I actually had a great conversation with the last two girls, until they left as soon as the show was over.  The next night though, I hit it off with this bartender who was amazingly cool.  And I define “cool” as bringing up Bill Nye the Science Guy and having a joyous reaction to the former show Wishbone.  Then she decided she gave me her card with her number on it and told me she had a boyfriend.  And I left confused.