Friday, I worked my first day for Environment Massachusetts. The group pays employees to get rejected over and over again while asking people on the street to donate to their cause. And their cause is the right whales. I was on a save the whales campaign. Even when I’m not doing comedy, I’m doing comedy. The job began auspiciously, as a verbose co-worker named Bethany vividly described the gruesome death of a toddler, who fell out of a 4 story window near her apartment. We did some work in the office, and then went to a non-Chipotle burrito place to fuel up before “working the street.” Bethany added even more flavor to the meal, by explaining that she carried a knife on her in case someone tried to rape her, and then described the precise, most excruciating way to remove a man from his member. I asked if we could talk about baby death again.
There’s a strange mix of rejection and power running through the veins of a solicitor. Most people turn you down. A few people are so scared that they change their route entirely just to avoid you. There was one man in particular. We made eye contact. I put on the genuine smile of a man with candy, trying to lure a child into his windowless van. The fear of God entered his pupils, his jaw clenched, and sweat profused from his brow. He b-lined away from me, straight into a no parking sign. Best moment of the day, aside from the three dollars some dude gave me for the whales.
That was my first day. And my last day. Technically, it wasn’t even a day since quit around 2 pm. I gave them my whale binder and my whale t-shirt, and went into the Borders next door to read books I wasn’t going to buy. The rest of the weekend was amazing, and I’ll be writing about that within the next 24 hours.